Thriving Through the Thirties

This piece has been sitting in my drafts for a while, but what better time to share it than on Valentine’s Day? My apologies to Miss Soy, and once again, a big thank you for taking the time to answer my questions!

Navigating the dating scene in Haiti can feel like a rollercoaster ride for many of us single women out here. Some of us find ourselves wondering, “Do people even date here? What makes for a great first date? And considering our culture and customs, how do we even meet men?” I recently had the opportunity to delve into this topic with influencer and young professional Soraya Louis, better known as Miss Soy on social media. Here’s her perspective on the matter.

And before I sign off, I want to wish each and every one of you a happy Valentine’s Day. Make sure you take a moment to cherish and love yourself—it all starts with you!

What is your personal definition of dating?

To me dating is the act of getting to know a person while engaging in social activities in hopes of eventually developing a romantic relationship.

You’ve had the experience of living abroad for a period when you were younger. What were the main differences you observed in how people approach dating in Haiti compared to the U.S.?

I don’t think people in Haiti date at all. In the US there’s definitely a better understanding of what dating is. It’s really a period of time where you’re just getting to know someone in order to determine if you want to be with them or not. It doesn’t define you as in a relationship and all parties involved are on the same page.

In Haiti, often, as soon as you start talking to someone, go out with a person, or spend time with them it’s automatically assumed that you’re in a relationship with them. It’s as if that period of time where you have to get to know the person is completely obliterated and you’re just launched into a relationship before you even know if that’s where you’re headed.

In your opinion, how do Haitian women typically meet potential partners in Haiti?

I feel like our circles are small, so it’s almost like everyone knows each other. I’d say women meet potential partners mostly through other people. There aren’t many social activities to engage in, considering the security situation, so it’s hard to meet someone new in these conditions.

Considering your background as a young, educated, and quite accomplished woman in Haiti, what do you see as the primary challenges when it comes to meeting a potential partner and establishing a long-term relationship in today’s dating landscape?

I think there’s a lot of dissonance in the wants and needs of men vs women. I also think today’s dating landscape is particularly plagued by the impact of social media on our daily lives. I’ve noticed that growth in women is often times viewed as an impediment for men.

For women, there’s been so much emphasis on acquiring financial independence, on accomplishing great goals workwise but also mentally, working on being emotionally leveled and finding inner peace; it’s truly become an entire movement, which has been beautiful to watch and partake in.

However, I also see it’s taken men a lot of time to accept the modern woman and shift their perception. In my personal life, dating has been extremely difficult for those very reasons. More times than I can recall, I’ve been made feel like I’m too independent, like my personality is too out there, like I’m defiant, like I’m not submissive enough! I’m often even told that the fact that I’m doing well for myself is intimidating for men.

Furthermore, social media has made dating even harder in the sense that authenticity is almost utopic. People put on a mask and portray themselves as what they aren’t and a lot of times, we’re trying to attain relationship goals that aren’t even real. It’s hard to decipher what’s real from what isn’t and who’s honest from who’s putting on a show.

The relationship I strive to find is one where we’re both too busy being ourselves and enjoying the moments that we have no choice but to really be what we appear, in authenticity.

Reflecting on your experiences, do you believe there are cultural factors or societal expectations in Haiti that influence how dating is approached and perceived?

Absolutely. Dating doesn’t even translate in our language. Ou tou renmen! It’s definitely societal and cultural. This idea that you can take your time to get to know someone without feeling like you’re automatically romantically involved is something foreign to Haitians in general. Even to people watching you, you can sit at a restaurant or a bar with a person the next day you can hear you’re in a relationship with them even though that may not be the case at all. And the community is so small, word travels way too fast. The cultural implications of dating multiple people at a time until you choose the one are drastically negative for women in Haiti. The Haitian realm is entirely different in that sense.

Can you share any memorable dating experiences, either positive or challenging, that have shaped your perspective on relationships?

I think being in the limelight has made my experience particularly difficult. I don’t have many pleasantries to share on the matter. I can just say that I’ve grown tougher skin than most because for a while I believed there was something wrong with me. It took a lot of work on myself to learn to accept that all the qualities I possess could never be dimmed by the outdated opinions of men in an overly traditional and antiquated society.

Today, I’m a take or leave it kinda gal. I’ll never settle for dulling myself in order to find the right relationship for me and that’s simply going to take as many dates as it does!

Lastly, could you describe your ideal date, particularly in the context of Haiti?

Like I said before, it’s really hard to date in the conditions we are subjected to. However, I guess right now the ideal date would be a good dinner and drinks in a nice quaint setting. Flowers, of course. I love flowers so they’re a must for me. Talking the night away, about any and everything. I’ve seen some fun things lately in the city like cooking classes, or connoisseur nights for drinks, those are different and sound like fun date ideas!